Rise. From the Pain.

Curled up on the floor, paralyzed. Waiting for the next moment when someone would need me and I would have to pull from a completely drained well to try and provide for the needs of someone else, yet again. In my line of work, I’m never sure when this next anxiety attack will show up. This was the first anxiety attack that had this type of impact on my complete ability to move. This is also something that began to occur right around the time that our entire world was turned upside down.

My passion lies within helping others. But as I was informed very recently, if your well is completely empty and you are not caring for yourself, all you will be spreading is toxicity because that is what is left when you are depleted of your wellbeing. As a parent, as a co-worker, as a friend, as a depleted mother, my well was empty at this moment.

Anxiety has creeped up on me like a dragon in the night spuing fire in my chest. It has appeared when I least expected it. It has created intense fear, the inability to move, and taken away my control. I have never understood or dealt with daily anxiety, but I suspect that many people are experiencing the same thing.

My night was nothing unusual. After an intense week of training and learning how to train others in understanding young people and their mental health challenges and illnesses, I found myself realizing the impact this training could have had on myself as a young person. I started recognizing the trauma lurking from my past and the power it could potentially have if I didn’t find a way to cope and deal with the pain from my past. I was completely depleted. But as all parents experience at some point, my seven year old son woke up and needed me. An ear infection never checks on the mental health stability of the parent before attaching itself to an ear of its desire.

As I climbed back into bed, I realized that it was five past midnight, I hadn’t slept more than a few minutes, recent trauma was lurking in my half asleep dreams, and my one year old infant would be waking any moment to nurse back to sleep. I was needed and my body had nothing left to give. The anxiety latched on to the depths of my lungs, constricted my ability to breathe, and whispered that I could not control my ability to be. After several life affirming minutes, I slowly gained back my control. I can’t tell you how, but somehow, as anxiety usually does, it loses its power.

As I gained my sense of self slowly back over the next few hours, I was reminded that glory and pain are always connected and from pain, comes a superpower. I am still not completely sure how to find my sense of self and I am no closer to understanding my superpower, but I know I will continue to survive. I know that I will find a way to thrive. My goal is not an ending point, rather a journey to grow along the way. I am not alone on this journey. Many have faced this obstacle along their path and I know that somewhere, somehow, my superpower will rise from the ashes and the anxiety and pain I have held will no longer have any power over me.