My Yucky Moments.

I reviewed my blog and make some significant changes. Let me know what you think of these changes and if you have any suggestions!

Anyone else have stuff they don't really like to talk about? I certainly do! I have two moments in my life that I have extra yucky feelings when I think about them. Yes, I just said yucky. I have become an expert on the yuck through parenthood, life, and just being human.

As I have been finding myself (Yes, I said those dreaded words!) I have found that some of the things I have been hiding, the really big hard stuff, is because of shame of being seen for my failures instead of my successes. Yup! Its yucky!

There are two moments in my life that I hide. And why am I writing them on a public blog? Because it’s time to be brutally honest with myself and that means being brutally honest with the world about myself. I also believe that normalizing the hard conversations will help to make the world a better place and with help to make those conversations, just maybe, a little less judgmental.

So here I go...The first yuck moment I try not to think about was being fired from a job. Technically we mutually “agreed” that we would go our separate ways. We agreed to that because of failures on both sides, but no need to get hung up on those details. A bit of back story, I was a young ambitious innovator, very much in need of a mentor, in a company that was very numbers driven. Their desire was to have someone to do the work and not change the way things were done even if it meant saving them money and time. I had several “mentor” meetings that involved the owners and the receptionist shaming me to the point of tears, telling me that I might be smart enough to get it, but if not, there would probably be someone that could accept my brokenness. Just as long as it wasn’t them and as long as I didn’t show my brokenness in their office.

The second yuck moment...staying in a bad relationship. I stayed way too long and I was very concerned about my image both staying in that relationship and leaving that relationship even though it was hurting me. I lost who I was. I became someone I am not proud of. My close friends, co-workers, and family know bits and pieces of my relationship and were all completely supportive and relieved that I left that relationship. But it took my strength, my resiliency, standing on my own, to close that chapter of my life.

So why am I sharing this? Partly because I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, and also because part of my journey includes growing from my failure and as my 10-year-old daughter reminded me of today, “You have to let your past be your past. You can only change your future.”

I let shame creep into my life and tell me all the things I already disliked about myself. Telling me I wasn't good enough. Trying to remind me that there was no hope from this dark hole I had let myself fall into. In those dark moments, it is easy to forget that with darkness a sunrise will always follow, and with every sunrise, comes new possibilities. I have found that when I share my story and let myself be vulnerable, I begin to belong in my community in a whole new and much more meaningful way. I belong. Just as I am. Shameful events and all.