Connection. Forever changed.

A carefree family of deer quietly pass by my window as I contemplate the thoughts of those feeling lonely and isolated. After bringing the community together after a rise of deaths by suicide, I fear that the increase may continue.

I recently accepted the position of Suicide Prevention Coordinator. A position title that fits perfectly with the job description. After diving in head first and trying to conquer world of connection, all while understanding the pain of suicide attempts and completions, I found myself reflecting on my own experiences, which led me to applying and accepting the position.

As a 17 year old girl, thoughts of boys, friends, and graduation consumed me. Nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary. I came from a broken home, the youngest of four, with a lifetime of trying to prove that I could be just like my older siblings. All the hormones, all the heart breaks, all the chaos involved in a typical teenagers life.

After breaking my foot the summer before my senior year, I was left with an enormous amount of pain medications that I didn't need. I would take one here and there when my foot would start aching. But shortly into my senior year, I felt the overwhelming dread, the need to feel loved, the lack of belonging, which led down a dark path.

I loved my friends, my family, my life, but I needed more and I didn't know if I would be able to find the more I needed. So as I sat on the floor, surrounded by pills, contemplating the meaning of my life, sobbing uncontrollably, I desperately wanted to find a reason, any reason, to not take those pills. Someone to stop me. Someone to hold me. Someone to tell me it was going to be okay.

Life has a tendency to throw curve balls, but when life becomes an action movie of a pandemic and the world tells you to go against human nature, making any kind of real connection becomes a struggle to survive. As time goes on, and the world changes, so will the fight for connection. I can only begin to wonder, what will our connection look like when we come out on the other end. Will we finally appreciate this beautiful thing we call life?

June 10, 2008